I think this horrible feeling of hating being back home for the holidays mostly has to do with the fact that my boyfriend is glued to my side. His family just sold their house and all his friends are still here so he's been living at my house with my family. It's so brutal because unlike London - where we have two separate houses - he doesn't have another place to go. We share a single bed at my parents house and I don't know if you've even done that for two weeks straight but it's going to be a bitch to be blunt.
I have no way of getting any privacy. Every night out has to be with him unless he has something else to do. Every single day is filled with "so what are you doing today" and I'm expected to know and relay my every single move to him.
The worst part is, I've been with him for five years now... and I've been wanting out for the last three. I'm sure I'll explain later if I feel like getting into that but long story short he's obsessively in love with me and I'm not exactly in the same boat. I don't want to hurt him especially in the holiday and birthday season (his is December 30th), I don't want him remembering this happy time of year with the time his girlfriend of five years broke his heart... but some time is going to have to be that time.
He plays in a band and he has a show downtown tonight. It's a blizzard outside and my choices are either taking a cab so I can have a few drinks or drive which means no drinks for me. Drinking really isn't my thing anyways (I'm pretty small and I've had a few too many bad experiences) but it seems like the only option to stay sane right now.
I have limited friends in my home town. Most of them wouldn't be caught dead at my boyfriend's concert anyways (mostly because they just don't like him) so tonight will be all of the boyfriend's friends. Being around him lately has been driving me nuts and with no other friends to lean on during the night I'm thinking maybe if i'm a little drunk it'll be a little better. Cab it is.
So now the dilemma is how to pay for said necessary cab. I can try to coordinate with my boyfriend's friends with hopes that they will pay for it or I can use all of my own money that should be put towards Christmas presents to just go myself.
None of this is really important, I know that. It's not life-changing or interesting to anyone. But I think the fact that I want to vent about it tells me that I must be on the edge. Stupid shit like this just drives me insane and I don't know how to fix it. Well I do... But I don't know how to do that either.
Damn you holidays for making this tension so much worse by sharing a single bed and not being able to escape.
And damn me for deciding in highschool that I hate all girls which has resulted in me having no one to fall back on when I just want to rip my own hair out like this.
You know you're in trouble when you consciously realize that drinking is supposed to make things better.