Saturday, December 20, 2008

the home town

I think this horrible feeling of hating being back home for the holidays mostly has to do with the fact that my boyfriend is glued to my side. His family just sold their house and all his friends are still here so he's been living at my house with my family. It's so brutal because unlike London - where we have two separate houses - he doesn't have another place to go. We share a single bed at my parents house and I don't know if you've even done that for two weeks straight but it's going to be a bitch to be blunt.

I have no way of getting any privacy. Every night out has to be with him unless he has something else to do. Every single day is filled with "so what are you doing today" and I'm expected to know and relay my every single move to him.

The worst part is, I've been with him for five years now... and I've been wanting out for the last three. I'm sure I'll explain later if I feel like getting into that but long story short he's obsessively in love with me and I'm not exactly in the same boat. I don't want to hurt him especially in the holiday and birthday season (his is December 30th), I don't want him remembering this happy time of year with the time his girlfriend of five years broke his heart... but some time is going to have to be that time.

So tonight...
He plays in a band and he has a show downtown tonight. It's a blizzard outside and my choices are either taking a cab so I can have a few drinks or drive which means no drinks for me. Drinking really isn't my thing anyways (I'm pretty small and I've had a few too many bad experiences) but it seems like the only option to stay sane right now.
I have limited friends in my home town. Most of them wouldn't be caught dead at my boyfriend's concert anyways (mostly because they just don't like him) so tonight will be all of the boyfriend's friends. Being around him lately has been driving me nuts and with no other friends to lean on during the night I'm thinking maybe if i'm a little drunk it'll be a little better. Cab it is.

So now the dilemma is how to pay for said necessary cab. I can try to coordinate with my boyfriend's friends with hopes that they will pay for it or I can use all of my own money that should be put towards Christmas presents to just go myself.

None of this is really important, I know that. It's not life-changing or interesting to anyone. But I think the fact that I want to vent about it tells me that I must be on the edge. Stupid shit like this just drives me insane and I don't know how to fix it. Well I do... But I don't know how to do that either.

Damn you holidays for making this tension so much worse by sharing a single bed and not being able to escape.
And damn me for deciding in highschool that I hate all girls which has resulted in me having no one to fall back on when I just want to rip my own hair out like this.
You know you're in trouble when you consciously realize that drinking is supposed to make things better.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

the first spew

I'm sure this is the first thing everyone writes when they're starting a blog but I don't know what I'm doing with all this. Somehow, other than Facebook, I'm totally lagging on internet knowhow. I signed up for Twitter to see what it's all about but I still don't understand it. Maybe it's because I just don't know what to say.
I think mostly it's because who really gives a fuck about what I say. I don't really care about what everyone else is writing, but I read it anyways. I guess that's the point. Mindless babble to let everyone know you're there.

I think that I think I see through it.

My problem is that everything I write has to be perfect. I want it to be clever, I want it to be well-informed, I want it to be funny, whatever, and it has to be. I am constantly making sure that what I want to say is clear that it's in the best way of expressing it possible.
Needless to say it all takes a long time.
and perfect isn't possible.
That's why I started this blog.
I want a space that isn't necessarily connected with me outside so I can just spew. Not go back and think, how does that sound. Just write.
I think what the problem with trying to write perfectly is that in the world of the internet babble, no one really cares. I put all this effort into making sure it's a work of beauty and no one cares.

So here i won't care if no one cares. That's not the point. The point is that I have things that are filling up my head and getting them out are a struggle. The point is that all of a sudden my eyes have been opened up to the larger world and I want to know more. I need to know more. And most importantly I want to talk about it.

I need to talk because I need to know what I think about it all.

I'm the kind of person who can see both sides and I often do. I spend so much time writing essays where you have to take a stance so I do, but I never know if this is what I actually believe. I don't think I'm looking for hardcore beliefs that are going to lead me through life, but I'd at least like to know what I believe in right now.
But maybe that's still too much to ask.

That felt good... though it doesn't have to be read, there is something oddly fulfilling with spewing to the beast. Posting that shit and it's out. Stamped onto the world of cyber-space.

and no one cares