Thursday, May 21, 2009

something that was not meant to be is done...

another break up. this time for realzies but it's worse than a breakup.
this time it's "you can't be part of my life if I want things to work out with my ex-girlfriend"
it's hard to hear that you didn't think we were anything special anyways
could bring up all of the petty things that made us unhappy
it's so hard to hear that you're willing to just cut me out for the possibility that you might want to work things out with her. don't even know if she's down or if that's what you really want to do but you're okay with letting me go.
i know this is a break up.
i know it's a fact of life. but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
the problem is that we can't even talk anymore and you don't even acknowledge anymore just how similar we are to each other. we love the news and politics who else does?
i have a bad feeling that nothing is gunna come of you getting back with lauren. maybe it'll be good for a little while or maybe i'm just messed and dont' want to see that maybe you guys are meant for each other.
i guess in your ever-frequent suggestions that i just get back together with my ex shows that you are so ready and willing for this. you know that it could work but dont' know if it will. you're hoping to just pawn me off so i can be happy too... its terrible knowing that i'm so sad while he's looking up. it was terrible hearing his reasons for why he's not that upset. and hearing that he thinks that i have a skewed vision of our whole relationship.
i think the only thing that's skewed is how awesome i still think he is.
and how i thought that a lot of his awesomeness was a little reflection of things i saw in myself

i can't have it all
i know that
but in a perfect world... we'd stick it out for the summer chill and get to know each other for real this time
you could still hang out with lauren and get things on track with her too but maybe a bit slower than you want rite now
in a perfect world you'd find some other new girl who is just what you want and maybe i find a few on the way too...
i guess my problem is that we don't know each other enough for that to be a real possibility. we never had the basis. and that's another reason why i'm so sad... because i know that if we had the basis you'd be there for me for life. i feel like i'd be there for you.

but we don't... so i guess all i can be happy for is the 4-5 months we spent together. the inspiring talks we had. the incredible dinners. the touching. the better-than-i'll-probably-ever-have-in-my-life sex... like i guess because of that i know we could never just be friends, but i would want it so bad.
i hate being erased
but what i want is impossible and i shouldn't keep you from being happy. i just really hope that this makes you happy because these two days have made me sadder than i ever thought i'd be because of you.
i think the sadness is partially self pity. but even though you dont want to believe it, the tears are mostly directed at the thought of not having you in my life at all.
i know i'm naive i must be acting like a child hoping that you'd actually always be there for me. you shouldn't owe it to me to actually stick to me.
but i ended up falling for you way harder than i should. and i guess maybe its just from telling myself to be happy with the little bit of you that you were willing to give me i ended up feeling way more. i know i never loved you but the possibility of a good thing coming out of me and you was enough to keep me going. hoping that the better times would come

everyone keeps telling me... things always get better. and you know i guess they do. i'm just terribly terribly sad that things can't get better with you still being some part of my life.
i hope you're right that months from now we can still talk
but in the meantime it really feels like whatever we had might as well have not happened. what a horrible feeling.
it really feels like all of the knowing that we've been doing is for nothing
that i'm supposed to unknow you and that's not fair
i was given a taste of you and now it's been taken away... by you... because of a possiblity
and i don't blame you for trying
how can i?

but i can blame myself for not trying harder when i had the chance in the first place. i can blame myself for believing in a future time where me and you might find ourselves perfect for each other... and i guess maybe that's not such a bad thing. life is long. who know's what it will bring?

i want to be positive... but i'm scared

1 comment:

  1. I liked these quotes from your blog...

    "i hate being erased"

    "it really feels like all of the knowing that we've been doing is for nothing
    that i'm supposed to unknow you and that's not fair"

    That is so true. How do you unknow someone? You annul them from your life? Obliterate their existence in your brain? That doesn't change what happened in the past.

    It doesn't change the fact that no matter what, you actually still know that person is out there in the world, living life without you, but this time, pretending to be a stranger.

    That is quite painful.