something that was not meant to be is done...

another break up. this time for realzies but it's worse than a breakup.
this time it's "you can't be part of my life if I want things to work out with my ex-girlfriend"
it's hard to hear that you didn't think we were anything special anyways
could bring up all of the petty things that made us unhappy
it's so hard to hear that you're willing to just cut me out for the possibility that you might want to work things out with her. don't even know if she's down or if that's what you really want to do but you're okay with letting me go.
i know this is a break up.
i know it's a fact of life. but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
the problem is that we can't even talk anymore and you don't even acknowledge anymore just how similar we are to each other. we love the news and politics who else does?
i have a bad feeling that nothing is gunna come of you getting back with lauren. maybe it'll be good for a little while or maybe i'm just messed and dont' want to see that maybe you guys are meant for each other.
i guess in your ever-frequent suggestions that i just get back together with my ex shows that you are so ready and willing for this. you know that it could work but dont' know if it will. you're hoping to just pawn me off so i can be happy too... its terrible knowing that i'm so sad while he's looking up. it was terrible hearing his reasons for why he's not that upset. and hearing that he thinks that i have a skewed vision of our whole relationship.
i think the only thing that's skewed is how awesome i still think he is.
and how i thought that a lot of his awesomeness was a little reflection of things i saw in myself

i can't have it all
i know that
but in a perfect world... we'd stick it out for the summer chill and get to know each other for real this time
you could still hang out with lauren and get things on track with her too but maybe a bit slower than you want rite now
in a perfect world you'd find some other new girl who is just what you want and maybe i find a few on the way too...
i guess my problem is that we don't know each other enough for that to be a real possibility. we never had the basis. and that's another reason why i'm so sad... because i know that if we had the basis you'd be there for me for life. i feel like i'd be there for you.

but we don't... so i guess all i can be happy for is the 4-5 months we spent together. the inspiring talks we had. the incredible dinners. the touching. the better-than-i'll-probably-ever-have-in-my-life sex... like i guess because of that i know we could never just be friends, but i would want it so bad.
i hate being erased
but what i want is impossible and i shouldn't keep you from being happy. i just really hope that this makes you happy because these two days have made me sadder than i ever thought i'd be because of you.
i think the sadness is partially self pity. but even though you dont want to believe it, the tears are mostly directed at the thought of not having you in my life at all.
i know i'm naive i must be acting like a child hoping that you'd actually always be there for me. you shouldn't owe it to me to actually stick to me.
but i ended up falling for you way harder than i should. and i guess maybe its just from telling myself to be happy with the little bit of you that you were willing to give me i ended up feeling way more. i know i never loved you but the possibility of a good thing coming out of me and you was enough to keep me going. hoping that the better times would come

everyone keeps telling me... things always get better. and you know i guess they do. i'm just terribly terribly sad that things can't get better with you still being some part of my life.
i hope you're right that months from now we can still talk
but in the meantime it really feels like whatever we had might as well have not happened. what a horrible feeling.
it really feels like all of the knowing that we've been doing is for nothing
that i'm supposed to unknow you and that's not fair
i was given a taste of you and now it's been taken away... by you... because of a possiblity
and i don't blame you for trying
how can i?

but i can blame myself for not trying harder when i had the chance in the first place. i can blame myself for believing in a future time where me and you might find ourselves perfect for each other... and i guess maybe that's not such a bad thing. life is long. who know's what it will bring?

i want to be positive... but i'm scared

weekends

i have too much fun on weekends
and i'm not sure why
why i specifically enjoy this fun
because we really don't like anything the same
i learn about more things we don't agree on every day

i like skate shoes
he likes hightops

i would kill for a bloomin' onion
and he calls onions 'the devil's candy'

i could go on.. but they're kind of lame
bottom line my favorite things are often his least favorite
on a surprising amount of things
it's kind of weird how opposite we are
it's like that proverb

i don't want to believe it just because of that reason
but it's getting hard not to

maybe we attract because except from our preferences about the frivolous purchases of daily culture (music and clothes)
we agree
on you know, the important things
like political leanings
and books
and tactics for how to save the world
and that we think these things are important

how cool is that?

no, there's more that pulls us
everyone around feels the magnetic tension in the air
seeing us together makes people look
it freaks some people out
even though some of them always saw it coming
because we both just don't give a shit and people like us for it
because we want to be different
and we're so different from each other

but it's fun
and it's exactly what we each need right now
i am excited for weekends again
because for some reason we mesh so deliciously
which makes me tempted to say
that i'm actually happy right now
surprise

car troubles

I was rescued by two priests today
my landlord doesnt shovel our driveway
and this mound of ice, gravel, and snow has been forming
for the majority of the winter
since it's snowed so damn much
like everyother day
maybe more

my car doesn't like the mound
or maybe it's the other way, and it's the mound who isn't liking me
and or car
but bottom line is
i got stuck

burning rubber stuck

so the two priests walking by offered to help
the one in the fine coat and his priest collar sticking out was doing most of the work
i felt weird
they having three strong men to push (2 priests and 1 roommate)
i got to sit in the car and revvv the reverse
gently now
not too fast now
sorry father!

nothing

grab a rug! grab some salt!
hand me that shovel!

nothing

a neighbour joins
he doesn't look too optimistic
we'll have to lift it
he says

so they lift
and i revvv
and they push
and i'm turning my wheel
and i'm on the street!

before i can park and thank them
the one priest has already started walking
and the one i wasn't sure was a priest says...

"look at that, two priests helping two skull and crossbones"

i guess he was referring to my touque
or maybe he thought i'd make a good pirate

i hope i didn't swear in front of them...

ARRR
:)

nothing

i don't want to do anything
i can't say the things i want to say
without second guessing them
so sometimes i just say nothing
which sends the wrong message

mostly i have no motivation
other than for company
unnecessary company
lopsided too
sometimes with me in the air
othertimes its you

depends on what i want

cuz if i want it i'm probably doing it wrong
and if i don't i'm even more inviting

or maybe i'm just dealing with different types of people here
a new one

one that, with me, will blow everyone's minds
and i think we both kind of like that
but i'm kind of scared
and kind of frantic
and i know it must be pushing you away

but i also know that someday...

i can see us

Just a regular meeting by the shore of the lake at our favorite friend Tim's place.
I had my red coat on.
Her and me had always been close in size
She wore her blue one with the big buttons and the waist-tie.

Our coordination attracted the attention of an older gentleman who faced the wrong way and showed off his quarters and pennies mixed up with a paperclip in his hands.
Can you believe it?
Come here in the summer and you'll see so many bikers

Down to business
We need to make this happen this time
I need to be ready
I've failed so many times before...

I reminded myself I had reasons.
Little things, little things, little things
Hardly any could come to mind once I faced your sad one

Cliche but now or never

Your promises came close, they had me imagining a better world
But it was a world I couldn't believe in
A world I didn't want to be in
Because it didn't have me in it as much as you'd like to believe otherwise

You see the lies as hurdles to jump over,
which proves to the world that we can get over those things
No wonder your future was littered with fantasies
of two matching rings
Living your dream by giving it up with me

Too bad I can't tell you that I dream up the same
It would be easier on both of us but if I pretend one more time
I'll lose myself

All of the shit that we've thrown at each other doesn't pile up as something to jump over
or something that proves how strong our love for each other is
It's just shit

Building up over the years it never goes away
all the hurt instead has taken shelter in a place
just below my ribcage
in an oval shaped hole
high above my naval

Here, it builds on itself but I guess you never knew
Since for some reason everything was always rosy with you
No argument resolved, simply forgotten about
Nothing changing between us
I say I trust but I doubt
your fidelity.
seriously.

It only killed me in a muted way
behind the veil of forgetting
but never ever forgiving
You don't see a problem in my not feeling strong emotions

About anything

You can't imagine that I'm capable of being a different person.
That perhaps I can be a better person on my own
Already, though it's rusty, I want to be more creative
and I think I can

Maybe I made you better and you want to share it
But it eats me inside to think of how I helped you change
By ignoring the pains we caused each other
Until you finally decided to stop fooling me
You say for good

I wish I could believe it
But it's also been so long that believing it makes me think the next girl is gunna be lucky
Because she can feel his admiration
Without the shocking events that makes it hard to even know him
That make you think you don't even know him at all

So why spend another five years?

He'll let go eventually
I'll have to know I broke his heart
And live with the fact that he probably has really changed

But I'll also know, that it's better for me to be alone
I have dreams of my own that I'd rather achieve
By living the life I want to lead

Sure I don't quite know yet what it's going to be
But I'll never know unless I try

Even more I know I'd die
before living with the burden of having him give up his dream
to make it easier to be with me

I want us both to be happy
I want us both to suceed
But I'd rather attempt it on my own now
Than when I'm old and don't have a chance to change things

This needed to happen
And that spot that used to be filled with hurt
is gone now
High above my navel and between by ribs
There's a little spot that's shining now
and that feels like light too
if light had a feel
So I know this must be right
I wish you thought the same

the home town

I think this horrible feeling of hating being back home for the holidays mostly has to do with the fact that my boyfriend is glued to my side. His family just sold their house and all his friends are still here so he's been living at my house with my family. It's so brutal because unlike London - where we have two separate houses - he doesn't have another place to go. We share a single bed at my parents house and I don't know if you've even done that for two weeks straight but it's going to be a bitch to be blunt.

I have no way of getting any privacy. Every night out has to be with him unless he has something else to do. Every single day is filled with "so what are you doing today" and I'm expected to know and relay my every single move to him.

The worst part is, I've been with him for five years now... and I've been wanting out for the last three. I'm sure I'll explain later if I feel like getting into that but long story short he's obsessively in love with me and I'm not exactly in the same boat. I don't want to hurt him especially in the holiday and birthday season (his is December 30th), I don't want him remembering this happy time of year with the time his girlfriend of five years broke his heart... but some time is going to have to be that time.

So tonight...
He plays in a band and he has a show downtown tonight. It's a blizzard outside and my choices are either taking a cab so I can have a few drinks or drive which means no drinks for me. Drinking really isn't my thing anyways (I'm pretty small and I've had a few too many bad experiences) but it seems like the only option to stay sane right now.
I have limited friends in my home town. Most of them wouldn't be caught dead at my boyfriend's concert anyways (mostly because they just don't like him) so tonight will be all of the boyfriend's friends. Being around him lately has been driving me nuts and with no other friends to lean on during the night I'm thinking maybe if i'm a little drunk it'll be a little better. Cab it is.

So now the dilemma is how to pay for said necessary cab. I can try to coordinate with my boyfriend's friends with hopes that they will pay for it or I can use all of my own money that should be put towards Christmas presents to just go myself.

None of this is really important, I know that. It's not life-changing or interesting to anyone. But I think the fact that I want to vent about it tells me that I must be on the edge. Stupid shit like this just drives me insane and I don't know how to fix it. Well I do... But I don't know how to do that either.

Damn you holidays for making this tension so much worse by sharing a single bed and not being able to escape.
And damn me for deciding in highschool that I hate all girls which has resulted in me having no one to fall back on when I just want to rip my own hair out like this.
You know you're in trouble when you consciously realize that drinking is supposed to make things better.

the first spew

I'm sure this is the first thing everyone writes when they're starting a blog but I don't know what I'm doing with all this. Somehow, other than Facebook, I'm totally lagging on internet knowhow. I signed up for Twitter to see what it's all about but I still don't understand it. Maybe it's because I just don't know what to say.
I think mostly it's because who really gives a fuck about what I say. I don't really care about what everyone else is writing, but I read it anyways. I guess that's the point. Mindless babble to let everyone know you're there.

I think that I think I see through it.

My problem is that everything I write has to be perfect. I want it to be clever, I want it to be well-informed, I want it to be funny, whatever, and it has to be. I am constantly making sure that what I want to say is clear that it's in the best way of expressing it possible.
Needless to say it all takes a long time.
and perfect isn't possible.
That's why I started this blog.
I want a space that isn't necessarily connected with me outside so I can just spew. Not go back and think, how does that sound. Just write.
I think what the problem with trying to write perfectly is that in the world of the internet babble, no one really cares. I put all this effort into making sure it's a work of beauty and no one cares.

So here i won't care if no one cares. That's not the point. The point is that I have things that are filling up my head and getting them out are a struggle. The point is that all of a sudden my eyes have been opened up to the larger world and I want to know more. I need to know more. And most importantly I want to talk about it.

I need to talk because I need to know what I think about it all.

I'm the kind of person who can see both sides and I often do. I spend so much time writing essays where you have to take a stance so I do, but I never know if this is what I actually believe. I don't think I'm looking for hardcore beliefs that are going to lead me through life, but I'd at least like to know what I believe in right now.
But maybe that's still too much to ask.

That felt good... though it doesn't have to be read, there is something oddly fulfilling with spewing to the beast. Posting that shit and it's out. Stamped onto the world of cyber-space.

and no one cares